SADDEST BIRTHDAY TO ME

It's been a while 

Maybe almost a year 

Since I have been learning detachments , 

Idk when and how I lost the attachment with myself

So now this is going to be my 25th spring, 25th autumn and 25th new 365 days to suffer or maybe just experience, whatever you call it 

This year I want to dedicate this day to mourn for the heaviest loss of my life that almost sank me to the depth, that almost shook me 

Dear baba, 

I don't really remember the early days of my life but the day I remember is you bringing me a black and white TV when you saw me watching TV in other people's room from their door and the way they shut their door in front of my face 

I remember you, me , mummy and brother sitting by lighting a candle because it was the time of load shedding and you telling me how amazing I would look in my school uniform and you made that all with your own hands, sewed with every bit of love 

I remember you giving me your finger to hold onto and carrying brother on your shoulder and taking us on evening walk and enjoying street foods together 

I remember you carrying me on your lap and me sleeping on your warm arm and going to Dang during holidays 

I remember you rushing home from your work when I was bit by a dog and you being so panicked by my condition 

I remember you making that weird curry of pea, carrot and potato which looked almost a 'eww, whats that' but tasted like heaven, since then I've always been trying to make that dish but sorry its your special recipe and I can never own it 

I remember you celebrating my 14th birthday on our own little house that you built by every bit of your hard work, you letting me dance on 'radha teri chunri' and hyping me up like I was the main character and you dancing on 'Hath ma rumal hallaune nani le', I can never forget that 

I also remember us on last Tihar when everyone was asking you and me to dance on 'Chhori malai bhagi bhagi nasatau' and out of shyness I didn't agree to that and since then I will always be regretting because I never knew, it was my last chance and I lost it. 

From now on, you won't be there on my wedding to dance on that song, you won't be there to cheer me up whenever I'll feel heavy and cry to you in hope of calming myself down, you won't be there in any moment baba and I'll forever keep that void here because I know you are there somewhere in that void. 

I want to mourn your loss for the rest of my life because it is the only way to keep you alive in my thought, only way to connect to you because I don't want to loose you in any cost. 

I want to dedicate this birthday to you all because you gave me this life. 

I am not happy that I was born because the one that gave birth to me is no more 

is no more